I have absolutely no idea why... I just get my 'emo' mode on and feel sad for weeks...then I feel well a couple of days and I turn sad again...
I sick and tired of it. I don't know if I'm going desperate or just numb.
And I really feel like talking with somebody about it, but I feel somewhat ashamed of talking about my problems... and trying to talk to my mum is useless since she'll make a bitch fit about me blaming her (sadly, I don't even blame her, I blame...I don't know...destiny? Fate?!). So yeah...talking with somebody from outside makes me feel bad and talking with somebody from inside will only cause fights... Wonderful.
I feel ugly.
I lack friends, talents, beauty, intelligence...I have/am nothing.I'm sick of people telling me how I'm gonna end up a nobody and how fucked up I am... And how I don't have goals and how I don't care and how I don't have any feelings and how I suck at life...
I do have goals...small ones, yes...but I have them. I do care and have feelings...but the idea of showing them makes me feel horribly weak and vulnerable. And I hate that feeling.
I even feel stupid about complaining right now.
I wish I was somebody else...I don't feel like dying or anything like that...I'm scared of death, but I'm sick of my life also. I'd love if I could just metamorphose into a whole new interesting person...and leave the flawed me behind.
Or at least have something to be proud of...but I can't find shit to make me feel better. And funny enough, others can't find either...So that seems solid proof I have fuck all to make me special.
I only hope this is just a phase and shit will get better.
I'm currently getting doped on Otep. She always manages to make me feel better...Always.
Her music is the only painkiller that calms my pathetic spirit from suffering.
She saved my life so many times with her music... Tho I feel like I don't deserve that...since my being is so unimportant.
Fuck, I really need help...
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